J-lingerie, courtesy of (where else?) H&M Paris!  Is there a j-thong that goes with this?  Or perhaps a justier?  Also, what would one call a jean bra? 

God, nothing puts me in the mood quite like a sexy j-nightie: +3
Seriously though, where the fuck is the matching junderwear?: -2
This probably doesn’t cost more than 5 euros: +1
… but the fact that this is in the store means that they do, in fact, expect people to actually buy (and wear) j-nighties: -3
I’m worried that junderwear (and jwimsuits) are becoming a new fad: -5
… however, said fad will give your favorite bloggers more fodder: +2
Look closely - there are suspender snaps holding the straps to the cups: +1
Small boobs, clearly French: -1

Jindex: -4

Cowboy joutfit.  Please note that this j-jacket has a bronco or something equally silly / awesome embroidered on the back.

Points for commitment to the full cowboy theme: +2
Two-tone denim: +2
Actually, I can’t decide whether that gets points or not: -2
Black j-jacket is questionable: -3
Still, he is really working the nonchalance / 5 o’clock shadow.  Maybe he’s a real cowboy: +2
Seriously, sweet hat: +1
Also, tonic water.  Make me a g & t please, cowboy?: +1
His milkshake looks delicious: -1 because it’s not in my mouth
Does being a cowboy legitimize a joutfit?: -1 for uncertainty

Jindex: +1.  Way to go, cowboy.

It may be because I’ve been spending far too much time in downtown Manhattan (apparently law firms insist upon actually meeting me and being convinced that I’m not a moron before they give me money), but I haven’t seen too many joutfits recently. 

Luckily, there are camera-equipped folks out there with an keen eye on the jean scene. Their latest joutfit sighting occurred on the steps of the Hoboken PATH with this little guy scurrying up the stairs, no doubt in an effort to escape the watchful eyes and zoom lenses of our spies. Sorry, Taco Bell dog, not this time - bear witness to the Jharness Jumpsuit, the latest trend in animal abuse.

Clothing your dog in the winter serves at least some purpose, but I assure you that dressing them in summer serves none. 

It’s 95 million degrees out - this is the fashion equivalent of leaving your dog in the car with the windows up: -3
Still, puppy!: +2
How does peeing work?: -2
…good idea leaving a hole for the tail, though: +2
…for him to poop on.: -2

Jindex: -3

(Courtesy of Owen and Jane)

It looks like “jegging” has, unfortunately, entered the vernacular. Vindication has never felt so terrible. 

Not that clothing has to be particularly useful (see: my affinity for vests), but the designers of that jacket targeted and obliterated every trace of utility with terrifying precision. Warmth? Not with rolled-up sleeves, a shortened waist and the inability of even this girl to actually button her buttons: -3
Was the brooding hair model (they were going for “dirty q-tip”) really necessary?: -2
I can’t tell if they’re actually wearing jeggings, but a pre-emptive: -2
You may be doing coke, but we’re still not in the 80s. Acid-wash deduction: -1
Hail mary bonus: That’s Nevada Smith’s in the background. I got sloshed there once: +5

Jindex: -3 

(Courtesy of Jane) 

Does it count as a joutfit if the outfit consists mostly of DNEIM? 

Don’t think you can ninja that jest back there without me noticing: -1
…even if it is hidden behind a pretty sweet jacket: +1
Open-front, popped-collar jhirt: -1 and -1
…but I’d probably make terrible decisions too if I…
a)…had a mannequin picking my nose: +1
b)…had an oversized, dneim ‘M’ (the lamest letter of the alphabet) sitting on my head: +1
Still, they’re mannequins. They’re only subject to the whims of their tasteless corporate masters: +2

Forever 21, Sometimes Tacky. 

Jindex: +2

(Courtesy of Anna)

My personal feelings (she is a harpie bent on dragging the world into the pretentious, soulless void of her existence and fuck the used horse that Madonna already rode in on but I guess ‘Alejandro’ is ok) aside, we bring you Lady Gaga in some of her glory. Here, folks, is Lady Gaga’s interpretation of the Village People as she apparently goes on a date with Jesse James’ less attractive, potbellied older brother.

Too bright out for you?: -1
Was there a narrow cold front in the area? -2
And…a bathing suit? Why do you insist on haunting my nightmares? -1
I hope you have a nice date, though: +1
…even though you’re dressed like you’re going to a gay club housed in a taco truck: -2
Extra point for BYOB frugality: +1

Jindex: -4

Spotted in a Left Bank cafe: a Latvian gentleman wearing a Canadian tuxedo in this brutal summer heat.  Please note his model-esque pose, showcasing his hardy, Eastern European physique.

Rolled-up sleeves, suggesting that it is, indeed, too hot out to be wearing a j-jacket: -3
…but he’s wearing it anyway because this fashion statement was, apparently, too important to wait for cooler temperatures: -1
J-jacket is a different color than the jeans: +2
He was really nice when I awkwardly asked if I could take his picture to put in the “cool ways to wear denim” section of my “fashion blog”: +2
…sucker: -1
Is that a neckbeard I see?: -3
Canadian tuxedo boldness bonus: +3
Standard Canadian tuxedo deduction: -3 
Each piece taken on its own is acceptable and even trendy: +3
…too bad he didn’t bother to take each piece on its own: -1

Neckbeards (especially here, coupled with an equally unacceptable facial hair configuration, the power-stache) can be added to a fairly extensive list of Things That Seem Like A Good Idea But Really, Really Aren’t So Stop, Just Stop. This list encompasses various joffenses (cataloged extensively herein) and non-joffenses like brown shoes with black suits (certain rules exist for a reason, so please stop trying to make this acceptable) and those shirts with collars of a different color than the rest of the shirt (shirts should not have personality disorders).

There’s only one conclusion to be drawn here: The joutfit is the least of his worries. This man’s mirrors only go up to the bottom of his neck.

Jindex: -3